Mothers Will

Was he being delusional, was this darkest of places toying with his senses? But the closer she came, the more sure he was… this was really her: Glydam. The one who went missing more than fifteen winters ago, the mother who had left him. Many years he had believed he would one day find out what had happened to her, he had vowed he would kill the one who had killed, if she was dead. So many nights he had cried, so many years he had sought for her, fought for her. He had never wanted to believe she was death, but neither did he want to believe she had left him, for whatever the reason may have been. But the last few years, after his great escape from oakferns, he had slowly accepted that he would never find out what had happened to her, and after all the loneliness he had endured, he hadn’t really thought about Glydam anymore. The pain of her leaving him was replaced by the pain of his own leaving. And now, after all those years of forgiving and forgetting, she was there right in front of him, and all the pain and misery he had felt about her absence returned in a split second. He could feel the love and care he held for her, it filled his veins with adrenaline and oxytocin, wanting to run towards her, hug her, never let her go. But from his brain came a deep, terrorizing hatred… the one who brought life to him, who was supposed to take care of him, she had left him to care for himself when he was way too young, she practically had left him for death. Whatever her reasons had been, he would never forgive her that, his eyes were ice cold as he looked into her hopeful eyes, his heart was darkened by a shadow blacker than it had ever been before.

The rain kept falling in the forest around them, it was going from bad to worse, but neither seemed to notice. ‘Solban…’ the dark dun doe whispered, as they stood almost nose on nose. She sniffed his scent, carefully, apparently she had grown wiser with the years and had learned not to trust anyone, as she had done when she had created Solban inside of her womb. Solban let her do her will, as she walked around him, too see what had become of her abandoned son. ‘You have grown strong’ she noticed, and he snorted sarcastically, but refused to answer her. Playfully she nibbled on his long mane, but Solban immediately retreated from the friendly touch, giving her a cold stare once again, he could see the pain in her eyes. ‘You deserved that’ he thought, but still refused to speak a word to her, he just stood there, as a sculpture made of ice, frozen on the spot. Glydam walked around him a few more times, insecure how to react to her icy son. But even though her insecurity, Solban could see the pride, fierceness and hardness in her posture, her way of walking. She had changed much, learned much, she was no longer the scared young oakfern hind who she used to be, she carried herself with self-assurance now.

After seeking any friendly sign in Solban, Glydam seemed to give up ‘You are angry that I left you’ she said softly, and without waiting for an answer she started talking again ‘I probably shouldn’t have done that, not yet at that point… I have wondered every day since than if you had survived your youngster years, what kind of stag you had become, if you ever had fawns of your own…’ It sounded like an apology, but it wasn’t enough for Solban. After a long uncomfortable silence, she spoke again ‘I live here in Blackwood you know, I have learned the error of my younger years, I have grown to understand the world around me.’ Solbans eyes grew large as he heard his mother lived in blackwood ‘Oathbreaker’ he spoke out loud for the first time since they had recognized each other. Glydam had seen that one coming ’No, you misunderstand, the Blackwoods are not the oathbreakers. Gealach is a false god, he stole Uir’s magic. I know you don’t understand, you won’t believe me now… But I can show you, you will see it for yourself’, Solban growled again ’you’re an oathbreaker, eggtaker… That’s why you abondened me? That’s why you left me to die on my own, for some kind of fake goddess?’ he answered her, watching her straight in the eyes with a look colder than ice. Not at first… Glydam admitted but not long after you were born… I met a son of Uir, he saved me from a hungry wolf when I had strayed too far of my path to search for herbs, in order to keep you and me alive… We became friends, we met every time I went outside to find what I needed. I looked forward to seeing him, always, he was the only one who would treat me with some respect, warmth and dignity. He didn’t see me as some lowly herd member, like the oakferns did.’ Solban lowered his head, weaving his rack sideways again and again, as if he was going to attack Glydam, in the meantime he slowly pulled water from the puddles all around them, there was enough water, as the rain kept falling. Glydam noticed his aggressive stand immediately, but seemed unafraid and continued her talk. Kierdan… he asked me to come with him, to leave behind the god and herd that mistreated me, to learn the right ways and to start enjoy life, he asked me every time, just before I left. But I couldn’t just leave you behind. ‘ Kierdan, Solban made a mental note about that name ’But somehow you changed your mind’ he answered her, teeth grinding.’It was that time, that guard had tried to force me in becoming his harem doe… It wasn’t even rut yet, but he kept talking into me, that I was nothing, I was lowly and I didn’t even deserve him, that he was doing me a pleasure emotion shone bright in Glydams eyes, she was still deeply saddened about that event, clearly, but Solban couldn’t care less. He had already heard enough. ’ I almost excepted him… but I had to go out to get herbs again, and I met up with Kierdan. He told me I could get so much better, he promised me they would except me here. He said it was Uir’s will for me to become part of her true Herd. You were old enough to start walking your own legs, you were strong willed and I knew you would make it. And you have, now haven’t you?’ Glydam said with a small smile on her lips. She probably felt Solban wasn’t going to get all friendly with her, but she tried her best to bury the weapons, something she did not accomplish. Solban pulled even more water towards him, forming the rain into large, sharp icicles. He pointed them towards Glydam, in line with his pointed forward rack, the anger was visible everywhere in the posture het took.

The adrenaline was running through his veins as it had not done in ages, he scraped his hoof against the ground, ready to attack the oathbreaker. So that is why you left me than? Because you loved some black, eggbreaker stag more than you did me. he said full of spite Solban please...’ Glydam tried to interrupt him, but she had loosened up his tongue and there was no way to stop him from raging ’You decided it was right to leave a fawn, your own fawn, all alone in oakfern, because you did feel a little mistreated!? HOW DO YOU THINK I WAS TREATED AFTER THAT!? You threw me out like a piece of garbage, nothing more to you than a stupid mistake’ his hatred went so deep that he started screaming to Glydam. No longer did he care not to be found by predators… He almost hoped they would. He had already lost everything, now he had even lost the last trust he had ever had in the world: the trust in his mother. After this feeling of betrayal he did no longer care if he died or lived. He pushed the icicles a bit forward, shaping a few more, surrounding the dark red doe he had once called his mother. She spoke to him again, her voice as sweet as honey and as soft as spring grass ’I just want us to be happy together now… I made a mistake, I will never do so again… I would never leave you again ‘. Solban didn’t even listen, but he came to his senses a little bit as he spoke with an a voice as cold as a frozen lake ’You will be punished for your betrayal against me, the herd, and Gealach above’ his eyes were no longer the ice they used to be, they were snowstorms, avalanches of hatred. Glydam looked hurt and fragile, but not scared, her voice was almost begging when she said Solban please… It doesn’t have to end this way…